Personal Blog by Rhonda Crowdis Hardisty

Posts tagged ‘heart’

Drafted Heart

draftlistIt’s been a while, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about this place; this home away from home, where I share what makes me tick, what makes me smile, what makes me cry, what keeps me moving on after the tears. I often stop and take a moment to draft the beginning of a post because for that one moment I want to write and I want to share. The trouble is, that moment is never long enough to complete the thought, to complete the process, to dot the i‘s and cross the t’s. It’s just enough time to start a draft, save it to my phone, or as was the case just over a week ago, accidentally post it because the location of buttons and processes have changed while I’ve been away.

Today I have taken a little more than a moment and cleaned out two e-mail boxes, and started on a third, which is currently full of weekly posts from a blog I follow called “Classroom Freebies”. I get a lot of inspiration for what goes on both educationally and behaviorally in my classroom from other teachers that blog, and this inspired me to write today. If only for a moment…13 draft await, and as the school year comes to a close I have that and so much more to talk about! Can’t wait to finish 22 more days and school and get back on track right here, not drafting my heart, but actually sharing my heart!

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Heart Truth

Truthpic(1)Have you ever felt like you were not good enough for some of the people in your life? Like nothing you did ever measured up? Do you have family or friends who make you feel like you are under-dressed, over-weight, and under-employed to be accepted by them? Do they do things for the family or in your place of work that you only wish you could do?

They take everyone’s kids to the zoo every year, or throw the best parties, or bring the most expensive or coolest gifts to your children’s birthdays; things for which you feel you can never repay them or measure up. You feel like your best is not good enough. You believe you are talked about behind your back and whispered about in private conversations; they look at you and laugh.

These may be people who you believe do everything to get on your last nerve. These are people who seem to go out of their way to steal your thunder, if you have an iPhone, they have an iPhone 2. If you live in an apartment, they live in a house. If your hair is long, they have the cutest short cut; if you have a short hair cut, they have the most beautiful long hair. If you teach Sunday school, they teach Sunday school for the homeless.

I too have felt this way. In fact, most of my childhood I felt as is I was not good enough for a lot of my family, especially after my parents divorce. I had family who attended my cousins sporting events, but not mine. I had a parents who spent more time with my siblings than with me. I did not have grandparents with whom I could go spend long weekends. I had cousins who knew my other cousins better than they knew me.

I also felt this way throughout my school years. Regardless of how nice my clothes were or how many friends I had, there was always someone who seemed to have everything that I did not have. They had parents who stayed home, but mine worked. They had cute hair cuts, while I had long, stringy hair. They had nice cars while I drove an older model. They were not afraid to speak up for themselves and others, while I was afraid of my own shadow. They could read better, run faster, and do back handsprings across the playground.

The truth is that these feelings and beliefs are just that; our feelings and our beliefs. They are based on our own perception, not reality.

The truth is most likely your family loves you and would do anything for you, but don’t always know what they can do or should do to make you happy. When they try to help with your children or give me something, you assume they are feeling sorry for you or trying to prove they are better.

The truth is that most of us put on our one nice set of clothing and spend extra time on our hair when we are going to be around people who we want to impress; people who we think we need to prove ourselves to. It’s not that they thought they were better, they were trying to live up to our standard, not put us down.

The truth is they dislike their job as much as we do, but would never let us know they were not happy.

The truth is they are too self conscious to eat another helping of mashed potatoes at a family gathering, and are jealous that you are confident enough in yourself to eat what you want.

The truth is most of the time when we think someone is talking about us, we are the farthest thing from their mind. They just happen to glance our way at the moment they make a face because of  Aunt Sally‘s awful dessert they just bit into.

The truth is they have gifts in certain areas where we do not. Therefore, we are self-conscious of our lack in that area. One the other hand, we have our own gifting’s and are not aware that we may make others self-conscious as well.

The truth is the grass is always greener on the other side and we never really know what someone else is going through and what feelings and beliefs they too are fighting on a daily basis.

The truth is God has not given us a spirit of fear and inadequacy. He has given us a spirit of power, love and a sound mind.

These truths have set my heart free from feelings of inadequacy and I pray they will help set you free as well.

Why Must My Heart Be Broken?

“Sometimes the person who you’d take a bullet for is the person behind the trigger” – Taylor Swift

I accidentally found this quote on Pinterest and it so describes what I am feeling at this moment.

I am the one who walks away to keep a fight from starting.

I am the one who keeps my mouth shut while you run yours.

I am the one who takes care of everyone else.

I am the one who tries be the peacemaker to keep others from being hurt.

I am the one who leaves early if it means others may enjoy the event.

I am the one who gives my all so that everyone receives a benefit, even at my own expense.

I am the one you can call in the middle of the night no matter what it is you need.

I am the one who will drive across country to let you cry on my shoulder.

I am the first one to arrive for set up and the last one to leave after taking it all back down.

I am the one you can depend on.

I am the one who always  listens.

How is it that I am the one who is blamed for everything that goes wrong?

Why is it that I am the one who is stepped on as you climb the ladder?

Where are you when I need a shoulder to cry on?

When will you listen to me?

Why must my heart be the one broken?

Foolish Heart

Have you noticed how some conversations get out of hand very quickly when one person makes a comment that upsets another and it just snowballs out of control?

This is especially true of social networking sites. People don’t seem to realize that they are justifying the other persons point by responding flippantly or dismissing the persons opinion or facts.

In Proverbs there are several verses that were written long before the Internet was ever though of by mankind, that speak to these issues:

Proverbs 26:4 says, “answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.”

By responding to posts and comments by others in a manner that stirs things up, even if that was not your intent, you are putting yourself on the same level as the original thought. Even knowing this is a possibility, some people just cannot help but respond, then many find themselves regretting it afterwards. Those who do not regret it are often foolish for believing that their words made a positive impact on the situation. Those who were not trying to make a positive impact, are just foolish for meddling in another persons business.

Proverbs 29:11 says, “a fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.”

Those who hold their responses and keep their thoughts and facts to themselves for the time being, are wise in the eyes of God. I have a friend who says something like, “the person who says the least has the most power” in a given situation. People in sales know that letting the client think it’s their idea by allowing them to do the majority of the tallking will win the sale in the end. They wait until all has been said, all objections have been made, then they jump in and close the sale. They do not show their hand at every step of the transaction. By doing this, they are showing wisdom in the situation.

I have made the mistake of opening my mouth and speaking my mind at the wrong time, and regretted it later. We all have. The fool is the one who does not learn from this mistake and choose more wisely the next time. I will admit that it took years to learn this lesson myself.

Now as I try to teach this lesson to my children and students I feel helpless at times in trying to make them understand they are better off not responding. I have learned that the best way to teach them is to be an example. I believe being an example for my children is the reason I finally began to walk away and not try to make others understand my side every time.

Not everyone is going to see it your way every time. This is a hard lesson to learn and a hard lesson to teach.

If you struggle with this or with teaching your children this lesson, just realize that God is in control. Only God can shed light on the situation for everyone involved to see the truth. Your truth is most likely not the whole truth. Only God can make us understand and see the full impact of a situation and our actions in regard to the situation. He is the only all-knowing and all-powerful. Only He can change the situation with His wisdom.

Once again I find that the best way to avoid showing our foolish heart in a post or comment for all to see is to just let go and let God have it. Walk away with your dignity and your heart intact.

Follow Your Heart?

People often say “follow your heart”, what exactly does this mean?

Following your heart seems to mean, do what feels right, but if your emotions are involved can you make a proper decision? Do you trust yourself to choose correctly when you are full of feelings that are not rational and sound? When you steal a candy bar at age 5 you are following your heart, right? At that moment, the desire of your heart is to have that candy bar. So, is following your heart a responsible move to make in larger decisions? Or any decisions.

Our hearts often long for things that are not good and acceptable for us. The Bible says, “whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and of good report…think on these things” (Philippians 4:8).  It says THINK! With your head! It doesn’t say put it in your heart and see how it feels. Doing what’s right comes from knowing what’s right. Knowledge is in your head.

Truly, the question is whether it is best to follow your emotions or the law. Your heart is nothing but emotions. Your head is where you store knowledge of the rules God has given us to guide our lives. Your head is filled with the Word so that in times of trial or question you reach in and pull out God’s direction for that situation. Of course I know it’s not that simple, but it should be.

The thing that gets in the way of doing what is right is your heart.

That tugging, gnawing feeling that you get in your gut is your heart. It wants what feels best in the situation. It doesn’t want to hurt. It doesn’t want to struggle to make it to the next step. It wants the shortest distance to stopping any negative emotion. That’s the problem. What’s best for the moment, what feels good, is not what’s best in the long run.

When you let your heart take control you lead yourself down a path to destruction. I John 3:20 says “God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.” He is greater than our heart! Following your heart is taking the low road. It’s taking the coward’s way out. Following Him to the right decision is more difficult and may hurt, but in the end, it is what is right.

Your head is placed upon your shoulders, on top of your body. It is your leader. You choose directions in the desert based on what you see and hear. Your heart however, is a follower. It is right in the center of your being; it has no physical control over where you go or what you do.

A few more things to consider:

Jeremiah 17:9 says “the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”

Matthew 15:19 says “for out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies…”

Which will you follow? If you decide now to follow your head, your leader, your God, it will be easier to make the right decision when you are faced with a challenge. You have to prepare yourself. You have to decide in advance that you will not be led by your heart, but by your God. If you have that mindset, you will not have to convince yourself of which way to go in the midst of a situation.

My Sweetheart

For Valentines Day I want to share with you my love story. It’s a tale of how God brought two people together at just the right time and place.

Les and I met in 1985 at Texas Christian Academy in Arlington. For two years Les dated my best friends and I tormented him relentlessly for every wrong move he made with them. I felt it was my job to make sure my friends were treated well by him and everyone else.

Since January of 1988, Les and I have lived our own lives, only running into each other every few years at Wal-Mart or an unfortunate funeral of a former classmate. Never in a million years did we foresee our lives crossing paths in the way it now has.

In July of 2009, over twenty years after we parted ways, Les found me by chance on a social networking site where many of our former classmates were members and had got to know each other again. I was a little behind the times as I was not a member of this site until that summer. Les and I chatted occasionally online about our families and where we had each been for the past 20 years; finding that we were just 15 minutes away from each other for the past 8 years.

Les’ wife, Belinda, even became my “friend” on this networking site where she and I would sit and laugh about silly things we each knew about Les and his background. She was a very sweet woman, who I believe has been a great influence on Les and directed him to be the man he is today.

Belinda and I made plans to have a mother-daughter day out, shopping or at the movies, with our daughters in September, but my credit card was stolen and I had some extra expenses in the process which kept me from having the funds for the outing until my next pay-day in late October. However, on October 17, 2009, I stared in dis-belief as I read a message posted by Les that Belinda had passed away that morning, Knowing that she had a life long illness, I assumed it was a contributing factor in her passing and began to pray for the family. I sent my cell phone number to Les through a private message for when he needed someone to talk to while dealing with this unthinkable situation. I knew that he had two children who would need his strength to carry them through.

My daughter, Chelsey, and I attended the funeral about a week later. It was beautiful and packed to over-flowing with people whose lives Belinda had touched. It was a very genuine service, especially touching for us were the children she left. Randall wiped the eyes of his sister, Andrea’, as the service continued. This was evidence to me of the kind and loving family she had raised.

As we exited the building after the service my daughter saw Les standing in the parking lot alone. She and I walked over to give him a hug and assure him that he would recover from this tragedy.

Several days later, Les and I chatted online briefly. He was in too much pain to function. A few days after this contact, he called and asked for my help in analyzing the children’s behavior and help in dealing with his own grief. He would text me and ask me how to handle his over whelming pain from the gaping hole in his heart. He would sometimes just tell me that he missed her, and I would tell him that was ok. That he would miss her for the rest of his life, but the pain would get easier to manage in time. It seems that just having someone to talk to, someone to reassure him, was all he needed to carry on for his children.

Les and I talked daily; into the wee hours of the morning, at times. Finally, he was able to return to work and provide for his family again. We agreed to meet weekly for a movie night at his house so that I would observe the kids. My oldest daughter, Chelsey, bonded with Randall and they became fast friends. We both watched as this family pulled itself back together, intent on healing and moving forward.

At some point our conversations became more personal and in December of 2009 we decided to start dating. It was a little odd at first. He kept waiting for me to gripe him out for something like “the old Rhonda” as he calls it. I kept thinking, this is deja vu in some ways, but awkward in others. The more we talked and spent time together the more comfortable and natural our relationship became.

On March 21, 2010, Les took me to Texas de Brazil for lunch and proposed between the entrée and the dessert. Of course, I said “yes” and we started planning to get married in January of the following year. However, as time moved forward we decided, with the blessing of our children, to get married on July 29, 2010 in a small family service at the church in which my children were reared.

A year and a half later we now look back on where we have been and forward to what is to come. It’s an amazing testament to what God is capable of doing in the lives of those who believe he is capable of anything.

Why Our Crowded Heart?

Nature heart

Image via Wikipedia

I put a lot of thought into naming things, from my children and pets to my companies and now my blog. For example, my children’s names all begin with “Ch” have an “l” in the middle and an “ey” at the end. They also have their fathers initials, as do I and my mother.

People often ask how I come up with names, or if I have a “thing” for names. The answer is “yes!” I have a thing for names. I want them to have meaning. I want them to have a story behind them just as there is a story behind how I was named and how my children were named.

So, in naming this blog, I started making a list of words that related to my name. I wrote down crowd and heart to go with my last names, Crowdis and Hardisty, and it was exactly what I needed. I feel that as a mother, teacher, aunt, friend, sister and wife my heart gets so crowded with daily happenings that I have to stop and make sense of it all. I have to “un-crowd” my heart to see clearly which direction I should go, which role I should put on the front burner at the moment, which I can let go of for the time being.

This is so typical of all mom’s, actually of women in general. We want to be everything to everyone. We do not want to let anyone down or leave any one out in the cold. We enjoy having our hearts crowded with more love than there are people to receive it so there is a never-ending supply when we are called upon to help or even just to listen.

The hard part is slowing down and un-crowding our hearts; letting the Lord take over and be in control. Thus is the purpose of this blog, to un-crowd my heart, get it all out in the open and possibly help someone else in the process; uncrowding our hearts! I guess it’s kind of circular reasoning, in uncrowding my heart, I also help others which is what tends to crowd it in the beginning. I want this to be a ministry, not only to others, but to myself as well.

We often hear the Lord speaking to us in the way we speak to others and I am looking forward to what He has in store for us all.

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